I have decided to stay away from the fuss and buzz of the holidays. It is not easy to do because this has been one of the most important celebrations since my earliest memory. This season brings so many reminiscences of special moments. Solitude and retreat has been a good way to find a new perspective.
I grew up in the Southern Hemisphere celebrating Christmas, in a very Catholic family, with wonderful days of warm summer – not exactly your typical White Christmas. In a house full of boys, five of us, and one baby girl, I looked forward the end of the school year, which runs March through December. What a better way to celebrate than with Christmas! The 24th was the big event. It usually involved the opening of presents after a sumptuous dinner and champagne at midnight – I am not sure toasting was so much the preferred way of baby Jesus…but I digress. We also prayed, gave thanks, placed the baby Jesus on the Nativity Scene, ate turkey and mashed potatoes, dried fruits, and other delicacies my mom made from scratch. Understandably, I was more interested and expectant for the presents! Can’t forget the tree; it was a feature of our family tradition, our very own, very green, very plastic (now over 40 year old) tree! My mom decided one year she would organize scavenger hunts for clues for each present. It started with clues hanging on our tree. She did that for each and every one of us! This also made the search of each present, not as many as we wish or they could afford, a much more exciting and longer lasting ceremony. After the commotion of presents, way past midnight, it was the time for firecrackers. They were as dangerous as they were fun! Bedtime was very delayed in this very special day, and not a very silent night.
One of my early Christmases, I recall, money was tighter than usual. The economy, a large family, harsh job conditions, made this year quite scarce. My parents still managed our traditional dinner, slim but complete. However, that night, we went to bed without our scavenger hunt. We were old enough to understand not to expect much, but young enough to still wish it. As we woke up the next morning we found a single present at the foot of our bed. That was the best neon green machine gun I had ever not wanted. It truly meant so much that my parents gave me a toy, when we were all hurting. I was moved because I recognized how much love and sacrifice that “machine gun” symbolized.
Christmas was never the same since. I think that experienced changed me. It helped me realized that it is the intent behind the gift, the emotion and thought behind the giving. It was not so much about material presents but about rescuing the significance of the celebration. I realized then that it was the daily presents – food, clothing, but most importantly their biggest investment, education – their demonstration of their constant love, and not a one day event.
As I started my quest for a spiritual practice, this season became the time to find rebirth, and stayed away from the single-present mindset. Many years I traveled to different countries to spend the time from Christmas Eve to New Year’s Day in retreat. Thus, the holidays became a time of introspection. It meant fasting from solid food, complete silence, and whole days in mantra meditation – just so much fun!
It is not surprising now, over three decades later after my green machine gun, that I find myself in an ashram for the holidays. I truly find this time of pausing a process of cleansing the old mirror of my mind. The more peacefulness I surround it with, the more it reflects my deeper Self. The cleaning part is the hard part; there is so much to clean! There are so many skeletons, so many challenges, so many things to forgive and heal. However, it is harder ignoring it. It is just like trying to ignore washing the car – it just does not get any cleaner, not even if it rains!
I find, however, as much as I believe for many of us, the most important part is just showing up – getting here and surrender to the process. It is like jumping on the yoga mat. It is a way to rediscover what is important, that love is, truly what we all look for. Although this may seem escapist, really it is here, at this ashram, that I am finding ways to still be of seva (service). I love others by doing service. St. Francis says, it is in giving that we receive. I do believe that is what I am here to do, as all of us.
However, it is never easy, and I do not expect it to be. We do simply need to pick up the clues along the way; the presents are there to be found. Just trust.
I simply want to use these days, these few hours to be holly, real holidays.
May we all find love.

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